Wasn’t She Always Here?

James Bell
  1. Wasn’t She Always Here? -:-- / 04:20

“Where did the last four hours go?”


I spent so long trying to puzzle over how to get romantic relationships right. Or… at least how to stop getting them spectacularly wrong. And when one day I finally got married, surely I would write at least one song that would explain ’true love’, whatever the hell that might be. Now I’ve been married for just over two years, but I still feel none the wiser, because I just can’t imagine what life could possibly have been like before. Like that sense at the end of a film, when the cinema theatre lights come up, and you need to remind yourself who you are and where you live. When was I ever incomplete?


Wake up in the night
In a shivering ball
To find cold sweat is actually a thing
And I’m faced with the feeling I’d thought I’d refused
I just somehow assumed I could just be excused
And I pace in the dark like I always have done
In a pain that’s so sweet and sublime
And this thing that they call true love
Only the true is good enough
Just like true north or like true crime
Unlike the entertaining kind
Unlike the dull magnetic kind
Unlike the kind you find all the time

I had no expectations
I’d be any good
But I didn’t think I’d be so bad
It’s like everyone else got a handout in school
A set of instructions with clear defined rules
Back in school they would say if you can’t show your workings
Then you don’t really know what it means
All those years straining through the noise
All of heartaches and all the joys
Guess then I still don’t know what it means
How was I so late for the show?
Where did the last four hours go?
Was that the final scene?

So you phone me in tears
That they gave you the job
We both feel the wave of relief
Like the furniture you have been carrying around
Hoping someone will finally let you set down
And I’ve spent half my life trying to crack this enigma
And now I still feel nowhere near
But it’s like the theatre lights come up
And every single memory of
My life before has disappeared
When did the past and future meet?
When was I ever incomplete?
Wasn’t she always here?

Credits & Copyright

Written and recorded by James Bell in October 2018. Released in October 2018. (C) & (P) House of Lyra.